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How to Survive in a Resident Evil Movie

We Bring Good Things to Life

 

Okay look the zombie apocalypse and the ensuing overwhelming horror is going to get pretty rough, okay? I mean like, scratchy unshaven danglers kinda rough. Trim that shit, son. Are you really manscaping because now is not the time and we're gonna get through this together but you're gonna have to toughen up, put on your big-boy pants and probably flex your pectorals or something. I dunno. Man stuff confuses me.

 

Gird them freshly smooth loins, boy. We're about to start.

 
 

Strength in Numbers

 

Let's get one thing straight: the living are dickweeds. You're small but wiry. There's safety in numbers so don't go wandering around by yourself, kay? You probably outnumber them, so use this to your advantage and invite a hundred of your friends. Strategically place yourself behind them, work as a cohesive unit and BAM! your little buddies get mowed down but you? You're golden, baby.

 

You may have overdone it

 
 

Go Incognito

Let's face it, you've seen better days. Pull your shit together, this isn't the end of the world. Yes it is. You may find yourself caught out in the open. Do you feel lonely, pensive? Nobody knows, you keep it all inside. Now this is not the time to panic. Did Napoleon panic at Waterloo? Yes. Anyway grab some Starbucks, AXE body spray and try to be inconspicuous. That's how winners stay ahead.  

You're not even trying

 
 

Cut Off Their Supplies

The living need certain things. Like iPhones. Overpriced if you ask me. I don't really get it. Siri seems nice though. Like a calm, friendly voice in an uncaring world. I have no idea what Siri is. They also need medicines and food so cut off their paths to the hospital. Put gluten in all the food. Grab a hand-full of gluten and run at them. Cover yourself in gluten, you sexy little churro.  

NOOOOO I'M INTOLERANT

 
 

Distract Them

Feeling frazzled? Out of synch with your deepest self? Who can focus in these fast-paced times? I can. I can also make people explode with the sheer force of my own massive brain power. But this isn't about me. Your average alive person can be distracted pretty easily, giving you time to get away. Try putting on some sweet Dokken or Molly Hatchet. They'll have to drop what they're doing and "get down". Try bringing up religion or politics. Run away quickly because boy is the shitstorm is about to begin. Don't dance, you big walking clich√©.¬† If all else fails, be your badass suave self because you are one gorgeous motherfucker and who's gonna mess with you? No one, that's who.  

Go after your dreams, you beautiful bastard

 
     
Always double check that your undead friend is not really just a creepy celebrity.
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