How to Survive in a Resident Evil Movie
We Bring Good Things to Life
Okay look the zombie apocalypse and the ensuing overwhelming horror is going to get pretty rough, okay? I mean like, scratchy unshaven danglers kinda rough. Trim that shit, son. Are you really manscaping because now is not the time and we’re gonna get through this together but you’re gonna have to toughen up, put on your big-boy pants and probably flex your pectorals or something. I dunno. Man stuff confuses me.
Gird them freshly smooth loins, boy. We’re about to start. 
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The Thing
YOU SETTLE THE FUCK DOWN
Antarctica’s pretty fucking cold right? WRONG Antarctica’s not even a real place, 10 points from Hufflepuff.
Chin up, little buddy and let’s do this.
Big Trouble in Little China
Ninjas with guns, yo
Have you not seen this movie? Have you been living under a rock?? CAN YOU EVEN ANSWER FROM UNDER YOUR NAIVETY BOULDER? Don’t let nature keep you down, man.
This movie. It has ninjas. And gangs that know like jujitsu. Those are both Japanese. But this is Little China so that doesn’t even make sense, get with it.
It also has:
- a big-ass semi
- a hottie Asian chick with green eyes
- Raiden
- a beholder
- motherfucking Kurt Russell
Truck driver Jack Burton (Russell) and diminutive Asian man Wang (heh), go to the airport to pick up Wang’s super hot girlfriend but she’s kidnapped by an 80s Asian street gang. Then she’s kidnapped by the leader of the 80s Asian street gang, Lo Pan, because she has green eyes and that fulfills a prophecy so that he can be a real boy and not a ghost.
This already sounds fucking awesome so I don’t need to continue. But I will.
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