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The Thing



Antarctica’s pretty fucking cold right? WRONG Antarctica’s not even a real place, 10 points from Hufflepuff.


Chin up, little buddy and let’s do this.

This guy.

Is being eaten by dick fur


Kurt Russell has had enough of your shit. I still love you though. Except that thing you do in your sleep. I’ve said too much. This guy went all the way to Antarctic-whatever to get away from you so try to be a better listener next time.

He’s a helicopter pilot down there with scientist types and some Norwegians chase a dog into the American camp, which then completely loses its shit like you did when you heard they stopped making Hi-C Ecto Cooler. Can’t blame you man, that shit was good. Citrusy. Fucking refreshing. Those were the days.



So Barktimus Prime transforms into one of God’s meaty sneezes and gets flamethrowered but only looks dead. Like mostly dead. Did you see The Princess Bride? Focus, man.


King crab sex machine


This thing can look like anything. It can like, rip your head off your infected body and grow some motherfucking little legs and just fuck right off. Why? Because it’s an alien and it’s confident in its sexuality. Are you? Do you wanna sit on my lap and talk about it? I have some Werther’s Originals. Mmm tastes like old people.




Ugh my junk

Thus they ramp the paranoia up to 11 because once this thing goes all bitey-bitey on you, you get infected and now you’re a relentless, amoral flesh monster bent on mass reproduction. Like you in college. Haha that was mean. I’m not sorry. Kurt Russell has to find out who’s now an alien and who is still human because he’s stuck in a small man-cave in the middle of Narnia and fucking fuck it’s cold and what is this? Frostbite on your yum-yum parts? Great.



What makes this film a masterpiece is that NONE OF IT IS CGI. Yeah you saw those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park and you were all like “WHOA” but your brain still knew that they weren’t real. It’s a paradox of technology. The more realistic computer simulations get, the awesomer it looks, the more it looks like reality with something slightly wrong with it. It’s called the “uncanny wall” and it means that no matter how blazingly fast technology goes, our brains get better and better at picking out imperfections. It’s what makes zombie movies scarier than ghost movies. The zombies are physically present on set. The ghosts, no matter how cool looking, are not. Cognitive dissonance, yo.

Smells like Louie Anderson


You see this thing? It’s right there, getting all up in your personal space JUST LIKE SUSAN IN ACCOUNTING. I digress. It looks eleventy billion times scarier than any cool badass simulated thingy because it actually exists. It moves correctly. You could touch it if you wanted to. You like touching things, don’t you? You saucy beast. You have a much easier time imagining it erupting out of your coworker in an orgy of blood and entrails and marauding through the office in a motherfucking frenzy of gore and visceral goo that can only be stopped when you flip right the fuck out and grab a chainsaw and brb being asked to speak to HR.




Also, besides the ever-present threat of getting nommed by multiple E.T.s, this film plays off of an almost overwhelming sense of paranoia. You’re trapped in a small outpost, with no hope of outside help, and the enemy killing machines can look just like you. If the aliens get into civilization, everyone’s doomed. What do you do now? Who, if anyone, do you trust?



So now you have to make the very real choice of killing people that may or may not be Superman’s misfit relatives before they may or may not kill you. Yeah Superman was an alien. BLEW YOUR FUCKING MIND. Why do I blow things out of proportion? Why do I look into your bedroom window at night? Life is full of mysteries!


So just imagine yourself in the cold, all alone, and you don’t know who the enemy is.


I know, right? It’s like being in Canada.

I will murder everything you love, eh





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